Shame is Showing Up in Surprising Ways Now…

A DEI leader, a consultant, and a poet walk into a bar … yes, I wrote that, and maybe, oops, fail. Anyway, truth: all three crossed my path this past month, leading me to an astonishingly-poignant, all-caps quote to help us keep the faith — even as we stumble towards answers, and new chapters in our life.

First, I have one of those super-intense, unexpected conversations with a highly-regarded DEI community leader who just about turned my heart inside out. She shares that she was one of the earliest casualties of the Trump-DOGE job-loss wave. And because, in her eyes, so many others have since lost even more, she hasn’t allowed herself the space to fully acknowledge her own pain — to grieve the loss. The fact that she was dismissed, the way it was done, and how deeply dehumanizing it felt — she’s tucked it all away.

Like many of us, she rationalizes the situation, worries more about everybody else, even as she’s aware she’s feeling stuck, not moving forward to find her next – and it feels like something’s missing.

Why is it we can’t give ourselves the seemingly simple sanity check, and gift, of admitting “I am hurting?!”

Then, a Substack author I discover writes a hard-hitting post about a surprising Trump-era finding from his conversations: Smart, accomplished, get-it-done leaders are feeling … Shame. What?!

He shares what these leaders say: “You are paying attention. You care. But the exhaustion is deep, and the old tools don’t seem to work anymore. You feel like both victim and hapless bystander to an ongoing crime.” (Shout-out to Paul Shattuck.)

Finally, my deep-dive into Paul’s writing leads me to a poet, Andrea Gibson, who died this July 14 at age 49 following a 4-year struggle with ovarian cancer. A line from one of their poems stops me in my tracks (the all-caps by me):

“YOU ARE NOT WEAK JUST BECAUSE YOUR HEART FEELS SO HEAVY.”

I defy any of us to come up with a better understanding of shame. To judge ourselves so harshly, even as we are hurting. And/Or, we deny the hurt. (Not sure which is worse, the judgment or the denial.) Either way, a double-whammy. Friends, we are s-c-r-e-w-e-d here.

So, today, I want to honor and celebrate this trio: Andrea, my DEI friend, Paul - and all of us whose shame prevents our showing up fully as human beings.

We are living in superlative-defying times, in the public sphere, and in our own very private spheres.

We can’t move forward if we don’t know where we’re at. If we don’t honor and call-out the precious emotional space inside ourselves that might feel heavy – whether it’s about the larger world we’re living in, or our own life: a personal disappointment, or a deep discouragement at not moving forward in the way we wish could be true at work, or in our personal life.

How about we agree: Let’s not allow shame to be one more thing that keeps us small, isolated – and sabotages our ability to move forward, to live a more fulfilling life.

What now? I encourage you to name your hurt. Find an ally in whom to confide. Gather with friends, neighbors, family members, colleagues, and others who might want what you want. Pick one action you can take today, or this upcoming week, and do it.

I’ll close with Dive, a poem from Andrea:

you tilt your head back
you breathe
when your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks
and you pray for rain
and you teach your sons and daughters
there are sharks in the water
but the only way to survive
is to breathe deep
and dive

Wishing for you today an extra dose of loving kindness.

If shame, or something like it is showing up for you right now, I invite you to set-up a time for us to meet.

And. Sharing a favorite Paul Shattuck post: Trump's Goal Is to Break You. Here’s How to Stay Whole and Effective.