What are YOUR boundaries?

A noticeable takeaway from women in 2 recent webinars I facilitated: We need better guard rails!!

What do I mean? Taking better care of ourselves by setting healthier boundaries. So I thought I’d share with you how we can do a better job setting boundaries in our lives with three steps. And I’ll share a story from my own life that I hope is helpful.

What ARE boundaries anyway? Boundaries are the limits we identify for ourselves. When and how we want our partners and peers to communicate with us. When and how we want our bosses, board members, or clients to contact us. The days or times of day we most prefer to be working versus relaxing.

To set boundaries for ourselves requires three not-so-easy steps:

I got curious about the topic, so I tracked down for you an awesome resource that talks about boundaries in a super-smart, reality-based way.

To get started, I love this – Distinguish between your “hard” and “soft” boundaries.

Hard boundaries are our line-in-the-sand, non-negotiables: Things we will never do, or never accept as reasonable. Soft boundaries are wishes we’re willing to compromise on. We’re not going to go off the deep-end when they’re unmet.

Now try this – Think of an area in your life where you’d like to feel better. Maybe you’d LOVE to feel less drained at the end of the day. Or. You want to spend more down time with your partner. Visualize your life with this change in it! How will you feel?!

Next – write down your boundaries list around this aspect of your life you’d like to change. A hard boundary could be: “I will not check email during the weekend … or, until Sunday at 5 PM.” A soft boundary might be “I want to block out Saturday evenings for just me-and-my-partner time.”

Ok! Now ask – What would be necessary for me to make this change? Who needs to know? When and how do I want to tell them? If you feel uncomfortable here, ask yourself: What’s the psychic cost to myself of NOT making this change in my life?

If naming or communicating boundaries is hard for you, please take a moment. We know that our difficulty setting boundaries is often rooted in early-life experiences. There’s no shame there, friend. We didn’t choose to be born (lol). So, please. Give yourself a moment of self-compassion. And. You are in the good company of MANY others living your same challenge every day.

I love how the author connects boundary-setting with reclaiming power for ourselves:

“At their core, boundaries are all about who we give power to. They force us to analyze why we may not be giving ourselves permission to work and live in the way that we feel is best for our well-being. If we’re not deciding our lives, schedules, and workloads, who is? Boundaries allow us to decide when, how, and if we give this power away.”

Of course, every work/life situation is different. Organizational and societal constraints can make this sh%t impossible. Doesn’t mean we don’t give boundary-setting a try! An example from my own life: A hard boundary was blocking out a weekly hour where I would be out of the office to see my therapist (yup, full transparency, friends!). I didn’t advertise the particulars. The 30 minutes before and after that hour was blocked out on my calendar, and when needed I said I had a standing (weekly) medical appointment that required me to be out of the office. NOBODY ever asked for more info. Because I took the position that my mental health was a non-negotiable for me, it helped me to set that boundary for myself – and then with others. I kept that weekly appointment for many, many years, and rarely missed it. It was NOT easy. And. As a result, my life was better.

I wish you luck – and courage – as you 1) Call out one boundary for yourself, 2) Communicate your boundary with someone in a position to make it so, and 3) Stick to it (which might involve restating step 2 – more than once!)

Let me know how it goes!

That’s all for now.