Will You Be My Friend?

I've been craving friendship lately. A lot. And I've gotten curious about why now? I'm wondering if friends and friendships mean different things to us at different life phases. Are there times when it's harder, or easier to find friends and build friendships. I think yes and yes.

And I'm entering my own new, later phase of life, where connections seem to matter more, and differently, as I'm discovering how I want to spend my time now.

When we're very young, we play with the kids next door, or down the street, who we're also likely to spend time with at school. These days for kids that same engagement might come from an organized activity like a soccer team, or ballet class, and down the street may have morphed into playing "together" on our respective video game consoles.

Back then our parents might similarly have befriended people they met in those groups and neighborhood. Common interests and time spent begets companionship, if not friendship.

Going back to the neighborhood example as grown-up me, I see that similar, shared times spent together, even in small bits, encourages connections. I tend to chat with people in my neighborhood when I'm out walking my Ellie. They're tending a garden or also walking their dogs. (Of course, my pain-in-the-ass reactive dog too often means I may have to hurry by, or pull to the side, while I imagine the insults: why doesn't she get that dog trained, but I digress.) A neighbor I chatted with frequently for years, I now rarely see. Small wonder. Her dog died last year.

Work also gives us connection, if not friendship. While I may not have been besties with everybody I worked with in my corporate days, there was still camaraderie — bemoaning our shared fate, plotting Machiavellian moves, or just grabbing a coffee, lunch, or cocktail.

It's just true. Proximity makes it easier to figuratively and literally bump into people. How many rom-coms have we watched (ok, well, I have), where two lives magically and spontaneously, if not absurdly, cross?

While old friends can be the best, without making the effort as we approach new phases of life, friendship-making seems more difficult. Absent the downtown office or organized group activity, if we're not taking the time to engage (in-person or via technology), it's no wonder that strengthening connections — which I find to be a prerequisite to friendship — becomes more difficult.

Another thing that's bringing the friendship thing to mind is how my husband's and my needs and preferences have changed around how we spend our leisure time as we get older.

I'm finding I want to spend more time taking mini-expeditions, as I call them, to pretty places with mountains or beaches, and not so many cars. He finds great comfort in our lovely home with that perfectly firm mattress and just-right sofa and easy chair. We're at this unfamiliar juncture as we look to the future and consider how we spend time in the present.

While I absolutely love venturing out solo, whether an afternoon wandering around DC, or a longer trip to a more faraway destination, friendship-craving is surfacing here.

Would I ask a friend to travel with me, maybe decide together what we both might enjoy doing? Mic drop.

Maybe you're wondering what’s the big deal, and perhaps you're one of those people whose friends or family members travel or gather together periodically, if not annually, to reminisce or celebrate around one or more shared experiences.

I've learned I'm more private, even shyer than I realized, especially given how much of my career was spent "building strategic partnerships and cross-functional teams," (org blah blah blah, here). Yes, if you don't mind my saying so, I was pretty good at and rewarded for these things, financially — and psychically.

At the same time, I think I was somewhat rigid, maybe protective is kinder, around my friendships. There were friends, and there were work peeps. (Perhaps that sounds harsh, especially if you're a "work person" with whom I hung out, but I don't mean it unkindly. It's a me-thing.)

So, I'm bringing new intention now to this friendship aspiration. And that means carving out time for friend-seeking, making and deepening. And hardest of all, taking action. Including putting all this out to my E-Musings community, as resonates.

Here's what it's looking like for me now, and I'm wondering if any of this resonates for you around the connections or friendships in your life and where you're at now:

Making a list. (Several. Too many?) Who do I know, and spend time with currently? Is there an opportunity here for me to get to know someone I like, more deeply? Or maybe it's simpler — like who might have time now, or be open to adventure? Maybe this doesn't have to be so loaded. Aaack. OK I could obsess forever on this one and make zero progress.

Putting myself out there. Saying the words out loud to a few folks: I'm looking to travel more, and wonder if that's something you might be interested in doing with me? That. Is. Really. Hard. The first time I asked, I was literally stammering out the words. Rejection anxiety, anyone?

Being forthright. That includes what I seek. Examples: I do NOT want to do everything together. I need solo time. Also, downtime, not overly-scheduled days. And who pays for what? Realizing we may have different ideas about what any of those words mean, I want to talk about all of it!

Leading with curiosity. Putting my assumptions to the side about who might be a good fit, or what someone might be like as a travel companion. (See being forthright.) A friendship can be more expansive here, perhaps. What about just companion, not necessarily soul mate?

Starting small. Bite-sized adventures. We're not going to be doing a week together, maybe not even a whole weekend. I'm talking baby-steps like one overnight! (I think. See leading with curiosity.) Maybe a dog walk?! And, there are people on my list I definitely want to reach out to, but everything doesn't have to be figured out right now. Cue…

Say to self: It's a journey, not only a destination. Sure, I have real friendship and travel aspirations, and I'd like those to come true. I also know that if I pay attention to what I'm observing, and take in what I'm noticing, I'll derive greater joy from all of it. The required mind shift is moving from "I have to have it all figured out" to "I'm practicing."

I know so much of the above rehashes my mantras with clients. Yup, I'm a work in progress, too.

Community — connections that matter, and who fills our cup — is one of the five foundations of my design your next chapter framework. We sometimes forget how paying attention there can inform how we find purpose or meaning in our lives, and who we want to be in new chapters.

I'd love to hear how connection and friendship play out in your life, and how you see those needs evolving in your work and life.