Can courage be learned? Cuz it’s time we owned our worth

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the moments that test our confidence — the ones where we don’t feel fully ready, but we step forward anyway. Or, where we wish we could, would, or should! It’s so hard to know, right?! Is it us, the situation we find ourselves in, or a combo?! Yes, yes, and yes!

And then there’s this. We talk about confidence as if it’s something you either have or you don’t. The truth is most of the people we label “confident” weren’t born that way. They got comfortable taking small risks, failing occasionally, and trying again. Perhaps most importantly, caring, supportive people, especially in those formative years, encouraged the risk-taking – and lessened the fears and adverse consequences of failure.

The intersection of courage and confidence came into focus for me with several clients in career transition, by choice, and not. Some are overjoyed at being offered new roles, others are stressed at having to leave current ones. Their shared element? The need for confidence to maximize their shot at winning the best possible compensation based on their worth, along with sound advice on the what, when and how of asking.

My vow to find an expert to help me navigate these issues led me to Sara Perelli-Minetti. Sara helps helps people, especially women, negotiate stronger job offers and severance packages via her work as a compensation negotiation consultant.

In a recent conversation, Sara shared something that’s been on my mind ever since:

“Confidence grows through courageous action.”

Her research and experience show that women’s hesitation to ask for what they’re worth isn’t about ability or ambition — it’s about navigating the real, systemic biases that still exist, and the social costs that can come with being seen as “too assertive.”

That truth hit me hard. It reframes the conversation, especially for women, from “we just need to be more confident” to “we need to recognize the courage it takes to show up and ask anyway.”

Maybe courage is the quiet bridge between doubt and confidence. It’s the question we ask even when we fear the answer. It’s steadying our anxiety, as we put our ask for more out there – and sit with the silent pause. The way we keep showing up, again and again, despite uncertainty.

If we start to see courage as the spark that builds confidence — instead of waiting for confidence to magically appear — everything shifts. Surely, if we aspire to own our worth, we cannot side-step the need for courageous action in moments that matter.

Here’s to small acts of courage that grow into the confidence we need to show-up fully.

P.S. If you’d like to connect with Sara Perelli-Minetti, visit Hellos & Goodbyes — she’s doing such impactful work helping women own their value with tangible results. (I’ve easily sent half a dozen clients to her, so call me a believer. )

I also invite you to explore these links showcasing the daunting realities women face – yes, today. (Thanks, Sara, for sharing!)

The reframe we need: New UC Berkeley research shatters the myth that women "just don't negotiate." When pay is disclosed and candidates are explicitly invited to negotiate, women's outcomes approach men's. The hesitation isn't a confidence gap — it's about navigating real social costs that come with behaviors labeled "too assertive."

What actually builds influence: Sara pointed me to research showing that women often over-index on expertise while underutilizing more effective levers like grit, network, and communication. As she reminds us: "Confidence grows through courageous action" — not the other way around.

Your move: Ask how your offer was designed. Request the salary band. Thoughtful negotiation isn't pushy — it's a leadership green flag.